[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
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A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?