Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
technically true but not a great slogan
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from