Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Monday
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try