♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar