My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.