Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
You Might Also Like
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Where’s my employee discount too?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!