Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success