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*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
*cough*
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.