Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Living the best life.. 😊