Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
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My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Seals are just dog mermaids.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.