A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
These 3D printers are insane!
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.