Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”