me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You Might Also Like
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.