Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
😍😂🥰😂😍
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I like long walks away from everyone
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
who wore it better?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.