Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
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[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*