Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.