♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
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Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper