Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
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*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.