Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
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At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
what it’s like dating me:
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Merry Christmas
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough