the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
💁🏻♂️
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
forgive me baja for i have blast
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)