Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.