It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*