Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
You Might Also Like
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
*looks at you in batman voice*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.