NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
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I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Jail
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it