“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
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Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.