“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
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(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Super Hand Dog Face