Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
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“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE