I need this for my side hustle.
You Might Also Like
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
when nothing goes right… go left
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me