Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Fight
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
How do you milk an almond?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.