COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
You Might Also Like
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
screw you
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.