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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Sorry not sorry.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?