Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
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[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you