I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
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I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
this will hang in the louvre one day
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.