drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Just parrot things
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
My favorite female superhero
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this