80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
You Might Also Like
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
(Gaming support cat.)
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.