“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
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Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…