cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Is this a threat?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.