I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Hey i am sexy to you now
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag