I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
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[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Flock of bats
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.