I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I am a gravy boat captain
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
greetings!