Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
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[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”