e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
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My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home