Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Doug is just Canadian for dog
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
All excellent questions
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
the #horror is real!
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
San Francisco has too many rules
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Lassie, get help!
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”