the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I came this close!!!!
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese