I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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im all 3
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Extremely relatable.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.