me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush