It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours