Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.