wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
how to have an accident 101
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Spotted in New Orleans.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.