My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
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Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
favorite tropes as memes
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that